Gratitude for the “worst” things
Somehow illness, heartbreak, and a toxic marriage broke down my conditioning (who I thought I should be). These dark, difficult experiences actually helped me come home to my whole true Self.
Ahhh, gratitude. I have mixed feelings.
Obviously, gratitude is a beautiful sensation and a healthy practice. But I spent so many years trying really hard to be grateful for things that I thought I *should* be grateful for, or that I wished I was grateful for. So sometimes the idea of “practicing gratitude” grates on me a little.
Heartbreak, illness, and dysfunctional relationships
However, when I really dig deep and reflect on the most meaningful, life-giving things in my life, the things that come up are actually the biggest challenges, even the most painful parts of my journey. It sounds crazy, but the things I’m most grateful for are actually the “worst” things.
I am deeply grateful for the dysfunctional relationship that helped wear down my mind, body, heart, and spirit. I am grateful that it presented me with the opportunity to truly claim my authentic self and my freedom from my inner prison.
I am profoundly grateful for the chronic illness that nearly killed me- because it continually invited me (for 20 years) to pay closer and closer attention to my deepest needs. It actually “forced me” to finally learn to love myself.
I’m even grateful for the heartbreaks and loss that continue to echo inside me, always reminding me how precious our time is here, and how miraculous it all is- even with the mess and the devastation.
I am grateful for the mystery of grief and how it keeps cracking us open to love even more.
I spent so much energy resisting these very human experiences. I still have reflexes that resist them, because of course I don't love to feel devastated (or even uncomfortable).
But more and more I find myself remembering. Remembering that these “awe-ful” experiences in life are just as miraculous as the shiny sparkly blissful blessings. Those heartbreaking experiences took me to my edges, broke down who I thought I was (or thought I should be), and helped me come home to my whole true self.
We need the darkness, as well as the light.
