Gratitude for the “worst” things

Ahhh, gratitude. I have mixed feelings. Obviously, it’s a beautiful sensation and a healthy thing to practice. But I spent so many years trying really hard to be grateful for things that I thought I *should* be grateful for, or that I wished I was grateful for. Fast forward a decade or so, after I’ve been through multiple wringers and fires and storms, and I can honestly say I am most grateful for the “worst” things.

• I am profoundly grateful for the dysfunctional relationship that almost broke me, that gave me the opportunity to truly claim my authenic self and my freedom.

• I am grateful for the chronic illness that nearly killed me- because it continually invited me (for 20 years) to pay closer and closer attention to my deepest needs and to finally learn to truly love myself.

• I am grateful for all the loves lost and the heartbreak that continues to echo inside me, always reminding me how precious our time is here, and how miraculous it all is- even with the mess and the devastation.

• I am grateful for the mystery of grief and how it keeps cracking us open to love even more.

I spent so much energy resisting these very human experiences. I still have reflexes that resist them, because I don't love to feel devastated (or even uncomfortable).

But more and more I find myself remembering...remembering that they are just as miraculous as the shiny sparkly blissful blessings. We need the darkness, as well as the light.

Those heartbreaking experiences took me to my edges, broke down who I thought I was (or thought I should be), and helped me come home to my whole true self.