Making friends with winter

Winter used to scare me. The cold and the quiet felt like something to survive. Now I know that slowing down is ok, and I love the opportunity to cozy up, turn inward, and tend to my inner Self.

I used to hate the cold. I had poor circulation due to my chronic illness, so I could never get warm, even in the summer. 

I used to hate being still. That was mostly because being still didn’t get me anywhere. It felt like a waste of time.

I used to resist receiving, mostly because it felt so vulnerable, but also because I had zero experience and I had no idea how to do it.

I used to avoid slowing down. Because when I slowed down, I would feel my feelings, and that was very uncomfortable. (I had an ocean of unresolved grief, anger, and other challenging emotions trapped under a thick layer of ice.) Moving quickly, going and doing, planning and managing- all these kept me focused on the next thing instead of on what was deeply present for me. All this motion and forward-thinking kept my mind in charge, and it kept the ocean of pain buried deep. 

So when the colder darker winter brought an invitation to slow down, turn inward, and take care of myself, I hated it.

But then one winter, something changed. I learned about how the nervous system protects us, and how it gets stuck in this protective mode. I realized that my compulsive doing and over-thinking was not only numbing my pain; it was actually perpetuating my system’s state of survival, which was keeping me sick.

I devoted myself to gentle nervous system rehabilitation.

Over the course of about 5 years, I chose to dive deep.

• I learned how to soothe my nervous system that had been compulsively going and doing since my teenage years, in an effort to escape the experiences I feared.

• I taught my heart and body to be ok with feelings and sensations, especially the unpleasant ones.

• I taught my mind how to soften its grip on the future and the solutions.

• I allowed myself to receive a LOT of support.

• And I gave myself heaping doses of encouragement every day.

All of this gradually helped me make friends with slowing down, doing less, and tending to the most vulnerable parts of myself. Over the past 5 years, I’ve come to not only appreciate, but also truly enjoy the fallow times.

What used to trigger me now feels nourishing

Here’s how I feel about winter now…

Winter is a gift. 
Winter guides me inward.
Winter helps me slow down.
Winter is less showy and more “feely”.
Winter’s yin softens summer’s yang.
Winter offers rest after so much going. 
Winter is taking time to hibernate and be.
Winter is the being to our usual achieving.
Winter turns us inward to balance our outward leanings.
Winter gives us time to receive, to actually soak in all that we’ve created.
Winter is the storing up that balances our steady spending.

Winter is coming home after a long year’s adventure and settling in to reflect.
Thank you, winter, for bringing me home to my Self.