Winter used to scare me.

Jan 7

I used to hate the cold. It was partly because of my chronic illness and the fact that I could never get warm, even in the summer.

I used to hate being still. That was mostly because being still didn’t get me anywhere. It felt like a waste of time.

I used to resist receiving, mostly because it felt so vulnerable, but also because I had zero experience and I had no idea how to do it.

I used to avoid slowing down. Because when I slowed down, I would feel my feelings, and that was very uncomfortable. (I had an ocean of unresolved grief, anger, and other challenging emotions under there.) Moving and going and doing and planning kept me focused on the next thing. It kept my mind in charge, and it kept the ocean of pain buried deep.

So when winter brought colder weather, darker skies, and the invitation to slow down, turn inward, and take care of myself, I hated it. But then in 2020… I learned how my compulsive doing and thinking was not only numbing my pain; it was actually keeping me sick.

Over the course of about 5 years, I chose to dive deep.

I learned how to soothe my nervous system that had been compulsively going and doing since my teenage years, in an effort to escape the experiences I feared.

I taught my heart and body to be ok with feelings and sensations, especially the unpleasant ones.
I taught my mind how to soften its grip on the future and the solutions.
I allowed myself to receive a LOT of support. And I gave myself heaping doses of encouragement every day.

Over the past 5 years, I’ve come to not only appreciate, but also truly enjoy the fallow times. The slowness and the stillness. The sweet inward turning. Here’s how I feel about winter now…

Winter is a gift.

Winter is the yin to summer’s yang.
Winter is the slowness to our running around.
Winter is the rest for our constant going.
Winter is the being to our usual achieving.
Winter is the inward to our frequent outward.
Winter is the fallow to our inner drive to produce.
Winter is the receiving of all that we have created this year.
Winter is the storing up that balances our steady spending.

Winter is less showy, more feely.
Winter is taking time to hibernate and be.
Winter is coming home after a long year’s adventure and settling in to reflect.
Thank you, winter, for bringing me home to my Self.