Self-Love: your blueprint for all other relationships
We tend to relate to each other based on our prior love experiences. We love the way we have been loved, as though there’s a hidden blueprint that keeps guiding how our relationships go. This can be really hard if your prior relationships (family, friends, romantic, etc.) have been dysfunctional.
The great news, though, is that you have the power to change old patterns that are no longer serving you. YOU get to design the blueprint you want to use for all your relationships moving forward. And the best way I’ve found to do this is to start with your relationship with yourself.
Starting with Self-love
Most people find this hard to believe, but turning your loving attention inward can actually fill you up in miraculous ways. This is fantastic in itself, and there’s an additional benefit to intentionally building a loving relationship with yourself. Turning inward with love gives you so much valuable information about: what you want, what you need, what feels amazing to you, and what doesn’t feel good at all.
How do you want love to look and feel in your life?
Even if you find yourself reluctant to focus inward because you reeeeeally want another person to love, consider that whatever experiences you’re craving from another, you can start by giving them to yourself. This is how you start laying out the blueprint for all your other relationships.
For example…
Do you crave physical touch and connection?
You absolutely deserve this! Ask yourself what physical sensations or actions would help you receive this kind of love and acceptance? Does it sound dreamy to have someone hug you after a long day, hold you for a few minutes and let you know they adore you?
Start creating your blueprint: Give yourself 10 hugs today. Let yourself take time to truly hold yourself and savor the love connection that is there for you. This is a physical and emotional experience that will actually change your biochemistry.
Do you long to feel loved, accepted, and cherished for who you are?
Oh yeah, this is a big one. We all want this! And by extending this same love and grace to yourself, you can lay the groundwork for receiving it in an external relationship.
Start creating your blueprint: Make it a priority to replace critical self-talk with loving messages of acceptance and cherishing. In fact, make a list of the kinds of messages you’d looooove for someone else to say to you. When your old inner critic impulse starts to say, “You dummy, how could you do that?”, pull out that list of messages and say one or more of them out loud to yourself. These are a few I love:
“You are adorably human.”
“You don’t ever have to be perfect.”
“I love you exactly as you are.”
“I am so profoundly grateful you’re in my life.”
Yep, I say these things to myself, out loud. And it feels so good.
Do you wish you had someone in your life who would celebrate you and cheer you on?
Someone who always shows up for you, someone who truly roots for you? Maybe you’d love to have someone light up when you share good news. Great, you can have that!
Start creating your blueprint: Buy yourself flowers or have a little living room dance party the next time you want to celebrate something good in your life! Ask yourself what words and actions would help you feel celebrated and encouraged. Then actually say those words to yourself and take those actions. You can say them out loud (maybe while looking in a mirror and smiling!), in a journal, in cards you write to yourself, or notes you hang on your bathroom mirror.
When you lay the groundwork for the encouraging words you love to hear, it will be much easier for them to come to you from the outside later on.
Do you yearn for deep connection with a loved one who is curious about what lights you up?
Ooooh, yes, this is a beautiful desire, and it starts right inside your own heart.
Start creating your blueprint: Get curious. Ask yourself lots of questions about what lights you up. Ask yourself how you can start to honor your own joy and pleasure? Take an afternoon and intentionally create a space in your home that honors books, pictures or objects that light YOU up. Maybe include notecards where you write your encouraging words from above, and a candle you light each day to connect with your sweet inner self.
How you love yourself sets the stage for your relationships
Self-love is a worthy and beautiful practice just for its own sake. You get to take it wherever you go, so it enriches every part of your life. When we claim this responsibility to love our Self, we are actively choosing how we think and feel about ourselves.
The bonus is that as we create this new relationship with our Self, it will serve as a blueprint for how we will love others (and how they will love us). These self-loving practices literally create new neuropathways in our brain and body. The more we treat ourselves with the love we desire, the more familiar these experiences become. And what happens is we start attracting and creating relationships based on this new, beautiful blueprint.
Daily devotion to yourself
Just like any relationship, Self-Love isn’t just a one-time brainstorming exercise. It’s a practice. It’s a daily devotion to this new way of relating to yourself. When you continue to deepen your practice, over months and years, there’s an integrity that grows and starts to shine through. Then, everywhere you go, you are radiating your own unique signal of love. Who knows what this signal will attract!
