Self-compassion: 3 everyday ways to love yourself
These three “flavors” of self-compassion helped me soothe my nervous system; heal old wounds; and create the loving relationship with myself I didn’t even know I needed.
We hear a lot about “self-love” and “self-compassion”. But what does it actually mean? How do we cut through the platitudes and actually create the internal relationship we are longing for?
In my 5 year journey to reorganize my nervous system and heal old trauma, I’ve found each of the following “flavors” of Self-love to have a deep and lasting impact on my life. Plus, they can give us immediate peace and joy along the way.
I also discovered that creating a loving relationship with yourself doesn’t have to be complicated. Read on for some super simple ways to give yourself high-impact self-compassion.
Flavor 1: Grace
The first flavor is grace. It includes:
self-encouragement instead of inner critic talk (“how would you talk to a friend in this situation"?”)
cutting yourself some slack, reminding yourself that you’re allowed to be human
slowing down, taking breaks, giving yourself permission to rest
forgiving yourself for past choices, actions, mistakes, etc.
patience, giving yourself time to grow and change
Grace is especially important in times of injury or chronic illness. Being gentle on yourself when your body seems to be in revolt- it’s a massive challenge with a HUGE payoff. Underlying the body’s dysfunction, there is often a deeply embedded sense of expectation and pressure. We’ve often been expecting ourselves to be perfect (or at least exceptional). Or we’ve been taking care of everyone else while pretending we have no needs of our own.
Grace is the practice of loosening that superego’s grip and meeting ourselves with humanity instead of harshness. 🧡
For more grace, try this:
Everyday words of self-compassion.
Make note of these sentences, and say one to yourself anytime you hear your inner critic start up:
You’ve been handling a LOT, and you’re doing a really good job.
It’s ok if I’m not perfect. It’s ok to be human!
I deserve to feel loved and accepted.
Even if you don’t fully believe it yet, every time you choose compassionate words for yourself, you are rewriting your brain’s rules for how you speak to yourself.
Flavor 2: Self-Parenting
My second flavor of self-love is self-parenting. This practice has been a revelation for me, and it’s healed so many of my old inner wounds.
Self-parenting completely shifted my understanding of what it means to be an adult. It helped me make peace with my childhood. It softened my relationships with others. And it gave me a path forward when I discovered old inner wounds that were ready to be triggered by almost anything.
Unmet childhood needs
Let’s be honest: no parent is perfect and no childhood is perfect. Most humans reach adulthood with some aspects of emotional and psychological needs still unmet. I’m talking about the fundamental human experiences that are necessary for neurological development and healthy relationships in adulthood: feeling safe, loved, held, supported, accepted, welcomed, etc.
Along my healing journey, I realized that I had subconsciously been waiting for someone to give me these fundamental nurturing experiences, even into my 40’s. I finally chose to make peace with the truth: that no one was ever going to show up and give me those experiences I had missed. That was initially devastating, but also liberating.
The much more exciting truth, though, is that we actually have the power to give these nurturing experiences to ourselves. I know it sounds like wishful thinking, but I found through my own exploration that my body, heart, and nervous system very clearly calmed down and settled, just as a child would, when I started giving myself the nurturing experiences I needed. I have continued to see the power of this practice by walking hundreds of clients through this process. It’s incredible to witness a grown human finally receive the care they’ve been deeply longing for their whole lives.
How I self-parented in the ways that mattered
As part of my nervous system healing practice, I began devoting time each day to actively asking myself what kind of experience I truly needed. I would ask and listen, over and over for a few minutes. When I slowed down enough to ask these questions—and really listen—I started getting simple yet profound answers. I’d usually get some kind of simple response, like: “I just need to be held,” or “I just need to know you won’t leave.”
And then I would take another few minutes to imagine what that kind of care would look and feel like. Basically, I would say the words I need to hear. I would offer physical actions I need to feel. I let myself have the experiences of being cared for.
Here’s the absolutely wild part. Whenever I took the time to do this (ask, listen, and respond), I could very clearly feel my whole body softening and exhaling in relief. It was as if it was saying, “Thank you. Finally. I’ve been waiting decades for this, and it’s exactly what I needed.”
For simple, effective self-parenting, try this:
Tuning in to your deepest needs.
As part of my nervous system healing practice, I began devoting time each day to actively asking myself these questions (and listening to the answers).
What are my most vulnerable needs right now?
What does the little, scared part of me, stuck in old trauma or simply never guided, need?
What is that part yearning for, begging for, screaming for?
You can do this in a journal, on a pinned note on your phone or computer, or even just out loud while you’re driving or walking.
Even if you do NOTHING ELSE besides ask and listen, you will be carving new, nurturing pathways that will help you love yourself more and more. Stay tuned for another post on all the ways I used these answers to give myself the experiences I needed.
Side note about chronic illness
I now believe that many, if not most, chronic illness symptoms are messages from the brain and body, trying desperately to draw attention and care to places where we have some unmet fundamental needs. After decades of trying all the treatments, my symptoms started softening and disappearing in the days/weeks/months after I started this compassionate self-parenting practice. That’s the reason I lead Self-compassion small groups in the Primal Trust Academy (that’s an affiliate link). Click here for more about my Primal Trust mentorship offering.
Flavor 3: Caring for your adult needs
My third flavor of self-compassion is caring for your adult needs.
This looks like affording yourself the attention, respect, honor, time, unconditional presence, and love that you deserve (and that so many of us wish someone else would give us).
Adult self-care includes prioritizing your own needs, which is a powerful step toward exiting codependent patterns. It means turning some of the energy that used to be fruitlessly poured into other people (through fawning, people-pleasing, and over-giving) and redirecting it toward yourself first.
For a simple way to meet your present-day needs, try this:
Calendar self-care
Every Sunday, take a look at your schedule for the week and…
ask which obligations and commitments actually feel aligned
put limits on work and caregiving
carve out time for creativity and self-expression (journaling, singing, dancing, painting, etc.)
schedule time to
rest (without screens)
move your body gently
meditate or just reflect (like sitting outside for 10 minutes with your coffee, staring at trees!)
A Sundae Kind of Love
Any of these flavors of self-love can fill in gaps where our heart has been longing: for patience, understanding, guidance, and belonging. When we give ourselves all three flavors, our life becomes truly delicious. We get to be someone who is centered, nourished, and overflowing with love.
Plus, when we live from a place of already-flowing love, we attract other beings who are also radiating love. Instead of a hungry yearning, reaching, grasping for something outside of us to meet our needs, now our seeking overflows from love and toward love. I’ll have some of that, please!
