Self-care vs. codependent over-giving

An imaginary conversation with the (long-gone) over-giving, codependent version of me. It amazes me how fiercely resistant I was to taking care of myself- and the excuses I could come up with!

Long ago, in a land not so far away….
there was a young-ish woman who was giving and giving and giving, and doing and doing and doing, until there was almost nothing left of her.

Sigh. It was I.

Back when I was in full-on mom mode, full on codependent. Full on devoted to everyone around me, except barely even present for myself. I gave probably 150% more than I actually had in me. I don’t even know where the surplus came from, but I gave and gave and gave until I was basically a sad little pile of dust- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

It’s kind of funny to remember how I resisted taking care of myself back then. I imagine the things I would have said in order to avoid paying attention to myself- so that I could keep running around, fixing and figuring things out, taking care of everbody else, without ever taking time to replenish myself. 

All the excuses around Self-care

If I were to say (as Current Day Me):

Darling, depleted Candace, why are you so incredibly resistant to taking care of yourself?

My adorably over-giving, over-doing self back then would say:

Taking care of myself? I don’t even know what that means or where to start. Go away.

Wait, I do take care of myself- I shower, I work out, and I sometimes put on makeup!

Oh, you mean, like taking time to tend to my needs, wants, emotions, dreams, and overall health? Who has time? Where would I find even a few minutes for that? -  There’s too much work to do, just to keep the trains running.

Also, it’s not just me in this world. If I take care of myself before I take care of other people and things, I’ll seem selfish.

More than that, I’ll BE selfish. And I don’t want to be selfish, I want to be good.

Besides, I feel happiest when the people around me are happy and taken care of.

Reasons to keep focusing on everyone else

Me now:

Candace, what if placing yourself at the center of your own life is actually a natural, healthy, sustainable way to live? 

Me then would say:

Ew, that makes me super uncomfortable.

Plus I don’t really know what I want or need, so I might as well stay focused on helping other people get what they need and want.

There are so many things I want to do that will benefit the world around me (my family, kids’ schools, my business, etc).

I really, REALLY don’t like saying no when people ask me to do things.

Also, I’m a parent. So obviously my most important job is to take care of my kids. I chose to bring them into this world, so I owe them everything I’ve got.

Postponing self-care for my kids’ sake

Me now:

Candace, what if the greatest gift you could give your children is a healthy, happy, thriving, fully actualized mom?

Me then:

Yikes, I have a scary feeling that once I start taking care of myself, I’ll realize I need more and more and I’ll be no use to anyone.

Also, if I focus on myself, I’m pretty sure I’ll see things I’d rather not.

I just need to take care of these last few things before I can relax and tend to myself.

I’ll have time to focus on myself when the kids are grown or maybe when I retire.

Whoa, what happens if I’m healthy and happy, and then my family or friends feel abandoned?

Lalalalalala, I can’t heeeear youuuuu.

Me now:

Ok, sweet girl. I love you. You do what you need to do. And when you’re ready to open up to the possibility that you deserve peace, joy, and even vibrant health… I’ll be here waiting.

It took a lot to break free from these survival loops

I realize now that all these old thoughts and feelings were survival patterns that had gotten stuck in a loop. I’m so proud of myself for choosing to break free and create a new way of being! I am beyond grateful for all the people and blessings that appeared in my life to support me in doing that. 🌺🙏🏼🌺